


You Don't Know (What It Means To Me)

by LJadeK



Category: The Pacific (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Period Typical Attitudes, Rating May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-13 11:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16891605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJadeK/pseuds/LJadeK
Summary: Post-War Eugene and Merriell take a while to find each other again, but they never should have lost each other to begin with.





	1. New Orleans

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own characters or rights. Based off characters in series, no disrespect intended towards real life individuals.

Marching up the stairwell of the old apartment building Burgin tried again to picture and rehearse how this was going to go. He would find the apartment number from the address on the paper he clutched in this hand, he would knock on the door, and then… Then what?

 

Snafu hadn’t exactly been the easiest Marine to interact with and understand. He had been all sharp tongue, gnashing teeth, and biting blows. It took Burgie much longer than it should have to get a small glimpse beneath the harsh exterior, and even then, it wasn’t that Snafu had actually acted differently, it was that Burgin noticed the deeper meaning of Merriell Shelton’s strange and at time macabre actions.  The unnerving way that he was always watching, as if looking for a chink in your armor – he was finding out your weakness, assessing where he would have to cover and fill in. His harsh humor – the shock that everyone felt at the things he said and did meant that they were too preoccupied to think about drowning in the hell surrounding them. Large pale eyes always tracking everyone’s movements, as if performing a perpetual head count.

 

No, the man wasn’t normal, but no one who was on those cursed islands left without some kind of scars. He wasn’t sure where it came from, but the gossip was that Merriell Shelton hadn’t quite been whole when he’d arrived. But they had fought together, been there for each other in the worst of times, saved each others asses. In the end, Burgin thought there wasn’t another group he would have rather been assigned with, Snafu included.

 

So here he was, in the more destitute area of Louisiana, a run down filthy apartment complex, trudging up rickety old stairs that would lead him to apartment 34 where, he hoped, he would find Snafu. He passed a few groups of tired looking people leaning on walls with cigarettes between their lips assessing him as he passed them. He was slightly uncomfortable, as a clean cut white boy from Texas he was clearly out of place in the heavy Louisiana Bayou atmosphere.

 

Finally coming to stand in front of the old weathered door of apartment number 34 he pushed a last resolute breath between his teeth and rapped his knuckles three times. After a few minutes of nothing he shook his head and repeated it. He was just about to do it for a third time when the door finally slung open with a “-ucking hell, whaddya wan’?”

 

Burgin tried to hide his smile as he took in Snafu for the first time in a year. Shirtless – some things never change -, mussed up bedhead, bags under his eyes, but better than he remembered. Filled out a bit more, whatever he had been up to it was clearly physical labor. Without the mud and grime of the Pacific he looked downright human.

 

He voiced the last thought with a grin and an outstretched hand. Snafu continued to gape at him for a moment longer before he blinked and must have finally decided this wasn’t a strange dream and Burgin really was standing in his hallway. He felt relief as the slow smirk spread across Snafu’s face and his slow drawl came back to life as if he’d never stopped hearing it at all.

 

“Well, well, look at this. Boy, whatchu doin’ down here in the Bayou? Ain’t you wanderin’ far from homestead?” He chuckled as he shook the offered hand.

 

Burgin shook his head fondly and replied, “I’m waiting on you to invite me in, asshole.”

 

“Is ‘at righ’? Well I suppose ya betta get on wit it then?” He drawled and stepped aside, closing the door behind them both.

 

The apartment was small, but surprisingly well kept. The furniture was sparse but not in bad condition. Snafu stepped around him and moved further into the apartment.

 

“Get ya coffee or smokes?” He offered, looking a little unsure of what he was supposed to say or do with Burgin suddenly in his life again.

 

“No, thanks Snaf. I’m good.” He answered as he sat down on the couch and Snafu nodded and sat in the armchair across from him.

 

Snafu looked at him expectantly. “Not that I ain’t glad ta see ya, but whatchu doin’ here Burgie?”

 

“Well, since you answered my letter I figured you wouldn’t be too averse to me dropping by. I was at a conference in Florida, figured the extra train ride wouldn’t be too difficult to make. Thought I’d swing by and catch up.”

 

Snafu gave a small nod but narrowed his eyes at him, clearly waiting and expecting more. Burgin smiled ruefully and rubbed the back of his neck. Snafu’s eyes narrowed further and he knew he’d been too obvious.

 

“Actually, I have a favor to ask you…” He paused and looked up into Snafu’s large eyes. When the other man said nothing he figured he could continue.

 

“Well, you know how Florence and I are getting married soon. Real soon, actually.” He smiled nervously at the thought, which Snafu returned with good humor.

 

“It um, it’s real important to her to… She asked if uh-” He released a frustrated breath. “She said it would mean the world to her to meet the guys that I served with. I’ve told her some, obviously not-not certain things, but I’ve told her about the guys that were there and all that we did for each other. What each of them meant to me.”

 

At this he looked up at Snafu again, who was frozen with his large eyes boring into Burgin’s as he spoke.

 

“Well…you’re one of them. And uh, I was hoping I could convince you to help me give her this wedding present. She just wants to meet you and have you share our day.”

 

Snafu continued to stare blankly at him and the silence reigned until it became too stifling to stand.

 

“I know its asking a lot and its real short notice, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve already written and asked a few of the other guys. De L’Eau, Leyden, and Burke have all written back and agreed to come. I’ll be catching a train later today up to Alabama, gonna drop in on Sledge and Phillips and confirm with them too.”

 

Snafu looked dumbfounded and at the mention of Sledge his eyes shifted guiltily. “An you sayin’ you want me there?” He asked, clearly confused. Burgin smiled at him and replied, “Of course I do. You saved my ass more than a few times.”

 

Snafu raised his brows and blinked a few times, hands suddenly twitchy and fumbling in his pockets to pull out a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and took a few deep inhales before turning his gaze back to Burgin.

 

“It means that much ta ya girl, huh?”

 

Burgin smiled widely, “It sure does.”

 

Snafu rolled his eyes and blew smoke out between his teeth. “I gotta get time off at the Lumberyard but… alrig’ Burgie, I’ll be there.”

 

His smile grew even wider as he reached out a hand and pulled Snafu into a quick hug. Snafu tensed up, their relationship never having been so friendly or touchy like this. Burgin held on to him for a moment anyways before pulling back and saying, “Thank you, Snaf. Really, you have no idea what it means to me.”

 

They continued to talk details such as when and where, what to wear, and a little bit about things that had happened in their lives since parting that day on the train.

 

“So, have you talked to any of the others?” He asked Snafu after a while.

 

“Nah, you the only one who’s crazy enough to come callin’ on me.” Snafu drawled as he leant forward to tap his cigarette on the ashtray sitting on the coffee table.

 

“Not even Slegdehammer?”

 

The smile vanished from Snafu’s face instantly. His gaze fell on the wall behind Burgin’s shoulder and he simply shook his head sharply once. After a moment he seemed to recover and forced a smile on his lips, but it didn’t meet his eyes.

 

“How are the ‘Bama boys? Married an livin’ the apple pie life?” His tone was light but still, Burgin could feel that it wasn’t quite right.

 

“Sidney Phillips is married, got married a little bit after we got home. Her name is Mary, apparently she’s a real peach.” He answered. Snafu rolled his eyes and remarked, “Saint Phillips.”, his voice dark.

 

Burgin didn’t know just how to respond to that. He knew that Phillips and Shelton had both been in Pavuvu at the same time a while before Sledge and some of the others. He hadn’t known that they knew each other very well personally, and maybe they hadn’t, maybe Shelton only knew of Sidney from Eugene. But that wouldn’t explain his remark. He made a note to try and remember to ask Sidney about it when he got to Alabama.

 

He continued, “Last letter from Eugene he said he was thinking about taking some classes at University, said he was trying to get back into the swing of the world, find some footing. Didn’t sound like he had been doing to well. Phillips said in his letter that Eugene was having a rough time adjusting…” He trailed off.

 

“Meanin’?” Snafu pushed, failing to sound as nonchalant has he was probably aiming for.

 

He shrugged, “I don’t rightly know. Eugene said sleep was hard to come by and that his parents are well meaning but overbearing. Couldn’t understand why he felt alone and unable to move forward like some of the other guys.”

 

Snafu’s Adams apple bobbed as the muscles in his jaw clenched before he took another long drag of his cigarette. Burgin couldn’t understand his odd behavior regarding the topic of Eugene. He decided to jump in with both feet.

 

“Shelton, what happened with you and Sledge?”

 

Snafu’s gaze snapped to his with a wary and defensive air. “Whatchu mean?” He replied tersely.

 

Burgin shrugged helplessly and replied, “The way you’re acting. Something happened, what was it?”

 

For a moment he was sure that Snafu would bite at him for prying or shrug him off as reading too much into a situation. After a beat, the other man’s shoulders fell and he raised his hand and dragged it through his hair. He snuffed out his burned down cigarette in the ashtray and retrieved another from his pocket. He didn’t light it, but just having one between his lips seemed to calm him.

 

“I left Sledge on the train.” He finally replied, simply, as if that explained something.

 

“Um, okay?” He answered, unsure what that was supposed to have told him.

 

Shelton held his gaze as he shook his head, “The train pulled into the station here in Louisiana. Sledge was asleep.” He leaned back in his chair and lit his second cigarette. “I got my tings an I got off. I didn’t wake him.” He said the last part quietly, voice full of something that sounded an awful lot like guilt.

 

Shocked, Burgin couldn’t wrap his mind around what he had just heard.

 

“You-you didn’t say goodbye? You didn’t say anything?” He said, disbelieving.

 

Shelton took a moment to continue staring at the ground before he lifted his gaze and his chin and simply stared back at him, letting his silence answer for him.

 

“Shit, Snaf. Why?” He couldn’t believe it. Sure, Shelton wasn’t exactly the most open and friendly Marine, but he and Eugene has been close, everyone had seen it and at first been confused by it, but eventually chalking it up to the weirdness of the situation. They argued, they complained, but they stuck with each other ever since the airfield Peleliu, inseparable. Shelton was Eugene’s constant shadow, watching over him and making sure that he was safe.

 

Shelton didn’t answer, he just gave a small half shrug as he continued to take drags of the cigarette. Burgin felt his frustration growing.

 

“So what, after everything you just got up and left without a second thought? You let Eugene wake up all alone somewhere between New Orleans and Mobile, Alabama?”

 

Shelton’s silence continued and Burgin’s frustration built. Didn’t Shelton realize how much he had meant to Eugene? Everyone else had seen just how much Eugene had tried not to fall for Shelton and they had seen how he had absolutely failed in that endeavor. As awful as Snafu’s actions had been (and the rumors of many others that Burgin hadn’t seen with his own eyes), Eugene had fallen hard for him. Surely Shelton knew. Burgin had even been positive that Shelton had returned Eugene’s feelings, showing it in his own stilted way. He had gone out of his way to shield Eugene from the horrors of the Pacific as much as he could have. As Eugene had begun to lose himself to the inhuman depths of the islands, Shelton had stepped in-between Eugene and the worst of it whenever he could. More than he had ever allowed Eugene to see, in fact. He had worked behind the scenes and done many dark things in his silent and ghostlike way to ensure that the worst of the filth didn’t make it under Eugene’s skin.

 

“Jus’ wanted ya to know. Might change ya wantin’ me at ya weddin’.” He replied with a sniff trying to give off an air of indifference to the situation.

 

“No, dumbass, it doesn’t change anything about me wanting you to be at my wedding. It doesn’t change me wanting Eugene to be at my wedding, either. I want you both there. So, are you going to be able to handle that?” He challenged, knowing that it would get under Shelton’s skin.

 

True to form, Shelton’s gaze turned icy and he blew out a puff of smoke in Burgin’s direction.

 

“Whachu tryin’ to say, Burgin?”

 

In for penny, in for a pound. “I ain’t sayin’ anything you don’t know, Shelton. Are you going to be able to see him and not act like an ass? Maybe even apologize?”

 

Snafu’s eyes flashed dangerously in the low light of the apartment. Burgin rolled his eyes. “Don’t act like you don’t know that you owe it to him.”

 

Shelton huffed and leaned forward to deposit more ash in the tray between them.

 

“I ain’t his keeper, Burgie.” He huffed.

 

“Yes you are.” He returned with resolve. “You are. And you have been since the moment he walked into our tent lookin’ for a place to stay.”

 

“He don’t need me to watch his six anymore.” He tried instead.

 

“I thought you said you didn’t give him much of a choice?”

 

Burgin could see the moment that Shelton lost all patience for the conversation. “Burgin, I don’t know what you want from this conversation. I left Sledge on the train for my own reasons. You don’t gotta like it, but I did what I knew was best. Let’s leave it at that and go find us some dinner before we hit the hay for the night, alright?”  


	2. Mobile, Alabama

Jumping off the train on to the platform in Mobile, Alabama, Burgin felt apprehension sink into his bones. After leaving New Orleans he had so many questions and he wasn’t sure he knew how to voice them or if he would be able to actually ask them.

 

He hauled his bag a little higher on his shoulder as he glanced around the platform looking for familiar faces that said they would be waiting for him. Over the heads of a few people bustling in front of him he saw a hand waving in the air and faintly heard his name being called.

 

A smile broke out on his face at seeing Eugene Sledge standing on the open passenger door of a car, waving an arm at him. Leaning on the other side of the car with a small smile to match was Sidney Phillips. As he jumped down onto the road they both came over and he was treated to strong hugs from both of them before being ushered into the car.

 

As they pulled away from the station he listened to the two of them talk about which route would be quickest to take back to Eugene’s home. Sidney was sure his way would be quicker. Eugene looked like he had a different opinion but he shrugged without much push and let Sidney make the final call. Burgin took this time to look at his friend for the first time since he had left him on the train with Shelton the day they came home.

 

Eugene looked tired, as if being home hadn’t afforded him the much needed rest he was entitled to after fighting in a war. He had dark circles under his eyes and he wasn’t any heavier than the skinny kid he was when they parted. Shoulders slightly hunched as if a weight was on them. His smile was there, but it looked almost as though it was rusty with disuse. All at once it hit Burgin that it was true, he really hadn’t been doing too well in moving on. His heart ached for Eugene. If anyone deserved to move on and find some kind of happiness it was him. He wondered if Eugene’s happiness had gotten off the train without a goodbye that day.

 

Suddenly it occurred to him that he might never have even considered that thought before meeting and falling so hopelessly for Florence. He smiled at the thought that he would be returning to her soon.

 

Eugene turned around in the passenger seat so that he could comfortably face him.

 

“How was the train ride?” He asked kindly, his eyes tired but sincere.

 

“Oh, uneventful. Caught up on some sleep and did some reading from the conference.” He replied.

 

Sidney looked at him in the rear-view mirror as he said, “Florida to Alabama is quite a train ride, you couldn’t have slept the whole time.”

 

He carefully watched both of their reactions as he answered, “I didn’t make it all in one trip. I made a stop in New Orleans along the way, slept there for a night.”

 

A small spark of life came into Eugene’s eyes at the mention of New Orleans but he bit back whatever was on the tip of his tongue. Sidney cast Eugene a small concerned look as his eyes darted from him to watching the road. When Eugene said nothing Sidney must have taken some kind of pity on the situation and he asked Burgin, “Seeing the sights in New Orleans or did you have a stop to make?”

 

Not wanting to give himself away completely by watching for Eugene’s reaction, Burgin kept his eyes on Sidney as he answered him.

 

“I saw Snafu. Guess I should call him Shelton now, maybe. Or hell, even Merriell, but that’s a hard one to wrap my brain around. Can’t picture him as a Merriell.” He laughed a little, trying to lighten the tension he saw in the looks that Sidney was casting towards Eugene.   

 

To his complete surprise, it was Sidney who spoke and when he did his tone was barely veiled resentment.

 

“How is the Cajun bastard?” He spat.

 

“ _Sid_.” Eugene muttered, his eyes downcast.

 

Alright, so maybe Snafu and Phillips did have a history. Burgin fumbled for a moment trying to find the right footing to reply. “He’s um, he’s okay I guess. Not much changed. Looks a bit older in a way, I suppose. Working at a lumberyard, all that heavy lifting and all, guess I’d say he’s filled out some in the shoulders and arms. Not so scrawny and he used to seem to be. Doin’ alright for himself, got an apartment. I stayed there overnight and caught the train here the next morning.”

 

Sidney didn’t look like the news that Shelton was doing alright caused him any bit of happiness. His words cemented that thought as he said, “Lucky you made it out with all your teeth.”

 

Burgin was floored at Phillips’ words. Sure, Shelton has done some terrible things, but he was far from the only Marine to take part in those actions. Hell, Burgin knew of several of Phillips’ buddies who had stolen Jap teeth and not once did Sidney stop them or make it seem like he had a problem with it. Even more so was hearing it being referred to outside of the warzone. Most Marines tried to forget those things they had seen or done and let it stay in the darkness where it belonged. For Sidney to reference it so openly now in the Alabama sunshine was jarring.

 

“I didn’t know that you and Shelton were close, Sidney.” He finally replied, trying to keep his voice even and unbothered.

 

“We weren’t.” He said tersely.

 

“But you don’t like him?” He urged.

 

“I saw and heard enough about him while we were stationed together.” He replied vaguely.

 

When he didn’t offer anything more Burgin felt the need to push again for more. “What kind of things? Must have been worse than just stealing Jap teeth for you to feel like this about him.”

 

Sidney didn’t answer at first, he concentrated on pulling up the long driveway to Eugene’s family home. Burgin snuck a quick look at Eugene. He was biting his bottom lip sharply and staring out the window with that far away look he used to get, while his hands which were nervously twisted together in his lap. After putting the car in park Sidney cast a glance at Eugene and his face softened a small amount at what he saw. Sighing, he twisted in his seat so that he was facing Eugene but was also able to easily look at Burgin in the back seat.

 

“I first met Shelton at Gloucester. Before I’d even set eyes on him I had heard about him. There were a few other guys from Louisiana stationed with us and they talked about the guy from the Bayou. They said that he came in already unhinged and wild and that the more time he spent in the warzone, the worse he got. Cutting the gold out of Japs mouths was only a piece of it. I heard that’s the way life is where he came from. They don’t have much so they can make due with almost nothing. They worship swap gods and practice voodoo and other shit.”

 

Burgin almost wanted to laugh at Sidney for the things he was saying. He knew and served with many other men much worse than what he was describing. But Sidney wasn’t done.

 

“I once walked in on him in the showers with another guy. I didn’t see much beyond the obvious, but I saw enough when I saw Shelton kneeling on the ground in front of him. I won’t repeat what he said to me when he saw me standing there. I heard later that apparently I wasn’t the only one to happen upon or hear about a scene like that.”

 

Burgin felt his stomach drop like a rock. Was this why Sidney didn’t like Shelton? Because Shelton was presumably into men? Surely not. Surely he had to realize that Eugene, his best friend, had feelings for men as well – Shelton specifically. Was Phillips truly unaware that Eugene held the same preferences?

 

Glancing at Eugene, he felt unsure how to respond. Eugene looked incredibly uncomfortable alternating between staring at his hands and glancing around nervously not making eye contact. Steeling himself, Burgin felt the need to make sure that Sidney understood that Shelton was his friend, regardless of his personal relationship preferences. He wanted to make sure that Eugene heard and understood the same sentiment. He also felt the strange need to point out that he never once heard or saw anything of the kind take place once Eugene came into Merriell’s life, but he wasn’t sure he could work that into the conversation.

 

“Phillips, are you telling me that you don’t like Shelton because you walked in on him on his knees for another man?”

 

Sidney looked uncomfortable, but he shook his head and said, “It’s not that, there were a lot of guys quietly participating in those kinds of things. It’s not encouraged but it’s not like it’s unheard of. Lonely men so close to death still have needs and some need to find some way to still feel human. I happen to know that he also spent time in the company of a few local women as well. No, what got me was that the next day, that same guy was shot in the head. The blood sprayed out a few feet and a good lot of it ended up painting Shelton’s face.” Eugene flinched. “Other than spitting it out, he didn’t even react. Didn’t do anything but lean down and go through the guy’s pockets and take the extra cigarettes he had left. He stepped over the body and kept walking like nothing even happened. I wont try and remember or repeat all of the things I heard and saw about him. I understand that he is your friend and somehow Eugene here was not only able to stand him but befriend him. I just never saw anything redeeming in the man.”

 

Burgin nodded, although he still felt a knot in his stomach. He wished he could more adequately defend Shelton, but the way that Sidney was acting made it clear that he was set in his thoughts and nothing that was said would be swaying his opinion.

 

“Well Phillips, I’m sorry to hear that. Like you said, the man I fought with was a good marine and he saved my ass a few different times.”

 

At that, he saw some gratitude and relief written in the expression on Eugene’s face. Sidney was well mannered enough to simply nod his understanding of the difference in opinion they shared.

 

“That’s why I asked him the same question I wrote to the two of you about.”

 

Eugene gave a sad small half smile at the obvious attempt to move the conversation in a new direction. His voice was a little bit uneven as he spoke for the first time since Sidney has started in on Shelton. “Sid and I would love to come to your wedding, Burgin, we are really thrilled you asked. Is there anything we can do to help you prepare?”

 

Eugene, always the gentleman. “Nah, Sledge, everything is taken care of. I just wanted to stop in and see you both and make sure that you accepted the invitation.”

 

With that, they exited the car and Sidney got his bag out of the trunk.

 

“Alright boys, Mary is expecting me home for supper. I’ll be back tomorrow morning for breakfast and we can spend a little time here together in Mobile before we drop you back at the station.”

 

Burgin thanked him and they said their goodbyes. Sidney pulled Eugene aside for a moment and the two exchanged some quiet words before Eugene gave Sidney a small head shake and a forced smile. Sidney looked a bit sad, but returned it with a nod and a clap on the shoulder before getting into his car and pulling away with a wave.

 

The two of them were left standing next to each other on the large porch as they watched him drive away.

 

“I feel like I should apologize for Sid-” Eugene started with a sigh before Burgin cut him off, “Nah, Sledge, it’s okay, I pushed him to answer.”

 

Eugene snorted as he sunk heavily down into one of the padded porch chairs and passed a shaky hand through his hair. “Yeah, but he didn’t have to say the things he said.”

 

Burgin and Eugene had never actually had a conversation about Eugene’s preferences, it had just become something that Burgin was quite sure of. And truthfully, he never would have thought that Eugene might not be into women if it weren’t for the way that Eugene and Shelton had gravitated towards each other. They just seemed to _be_. One didn’t relax without the other. If Shelton was in a bad way or moody from the uppers the army handed out, Eugene’s mood came down with it. If Shelton was feeling particularly like being a little shit and teasing others, Eugene would crack more smiles. If Shelton lost sight of Eugene for more than a certain amount of time he became edgy and irritated until the redhead was back in his sight. They just _clicked_.

 

It was this that gave him the push he needed to stare down at Sledge and say, “Eugene. What Sid said about Snafu. I’ll be honest, I didn’t know him too well during that time, so I can’t say for sure-”

 

Eugene tried to cut him off by saying, “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, Burgie.”

 

But Burgin knew how much of a lie that was, so he moved in front of his chair and gripped Eugene’s shoulders, forcing him to look up at him and hold his gaze. “Bullshit, Sledge. It matters to you. What I was saying is that, even though I was in Gloucester with them, I didn’t know him too well during that time. I can’t honestly tell you that I never heard some of the things Sidney said, because I did, I heard some of them. But I also knew him later. Even if he did do some of those things before, it stopped when your skinny ass showed up in Peleliu.”

 

He hoped that Eugene understood what he was saying. Eugene’s throat bobbed a few times as he blinked hard at Burgin and then his shoulders finally dropped their defensive tension, the pretense of putting up a strong front finally abandoned.

 

“The things that Sid said, he told me those things when I came home. He didn’t say them to upset me or to… to change my mind. It wasn’t like that. Sid didn’t like him, but he didn’t hate him like he does now.”

 

Burgin pulled another porch chair near Eugene’s and sat down next to him as he spoke and let him try and find the words to explain.

 

“Hell, he didn’t like him but he didn’t mind him. Not until I told him about the train ride home.”

 

He knew he could have cut Eugene off and saved him from explaining what Shelton had already told him, but he held his tongue.

 

“I uh, I thought about writing to you a few times about it but I just- I couldn’t find the right words and I couldn’t make myself-” He was getting flustered and the pain in his eyes was growing larger with each word. Burgin reached out and set a hand on his shoulder, trying to ground him and show his support. Sledge gave him a watery smile in return and took a deep breath to calm himself down.

 

“I fell asleep a few hours before the train got to New Orleans. I felt safe with _him_ watching over me and I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later and…” He sniffed, “I was alone. We passed through New Orleans and he got off the train. Didn’t wake me. Didn’t say goodbye. _Nothing_. Just left.” He choked out the last two words harshly.

 

The anger he felt towards Shelton came back again with full force, but now wasn’t the time to get caught up in it. Right now, he focused on his friend in front of him. Eugene surprised him by looking up at him again with tears hanging in his eyes, threatening to overflow at any moment.

 

“I haven’t been able to sleep hardly. I’m afraid. And the fucked up thing is that I finally figured out what it is I’m afraid of; if I go to sleep then I’ll see him again in my dreams but then eventually I’ll wake up and he will be gone again. It’s slowly killing me, Burgie. Its killing me and it’s doin’ a better job of it than any Jap, bullet, mortar, or damn island ever did.”

 

Sledge coughed out a hollow laugh and continued, “We were supposed to leave the war and come home to heal. Other people have moved on and done their healin’. I can’t seem to do it, though. I can’t seem to let it go.”

 

Burgin nodded his sympathy and understanding as Eugene voiced his inner turmoil.  “Eugene, why not write him? Ask him why he did such a shitty thing, demand some answers from him?”

 

Sledge scoffed as he wiped his nose on his sleeve.

 

“I think you are forgetting exactly who we are talking about here, Burgie.” He dropped his voice low and said in a slow accent-laced drawl, “ _Fuck that, I scrub drums for no man_.”

 

“But Eugene, what could it hurt to ask?” He pressed.

 

“Ask what, ask him why the hell he disappeared on me? He didn’t have any reason to stay, he wasn’t my babysitter. It’s not fair for me to ask him something like that, Burgie. It’s not his fault that he didn’t feel the same way for me as I did for him. My feelings aren’t his responsibility. Anyways, the point is that Sid didn’t have much of a problem with him until he finally got me to tell him what happened. After that, there was nothing I could say or do that would convince Sid that he was anything above dirt. Sid and I are like brothers, he doesn’t forgive the people he thinks have hurt me, protective streak a mile wide and all that.” He finished with a rueful smile.

 

They sat in silence for a moment before Burgin whispered, “I understand what you are saying Eugene, I really do. I won’t keep pushing you on this, I’d just like to share one last thought about it, if that’s okay?”

 

Eugene looked apprehensive but gave him a nod and waited to hear what he had to say.

 

“You said that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t feel the same way for you as you did for him. Well, I think you are wrong. I think he felt the same way about you as you did for him.”

 

A beat of silence before Eugene whispered, “Do.”

 

“What’s that?” He questioned, not understanding.

 

A self-depreciating smile spread over Eugene’s lips. “I said, _do_. I _do_ feel for him, there isn’t any did.”

 

Burgin’s lips twisted upwards at that. “I know Eugene.” He whispered back as they watched the sun set over Mobile from the porch. 


	3. Texas

A few weeks later Eugene was sitting in a bar in Texas, gathered around a table with Sidney, Burgin, De L’Eau, Leyden, and a few of Burgin’s other friends he had met during his time serving in the war. Burke, Jackson, and Thompson were all from various stares around the Midwest and seemed like good guys. Sidney and Jackson were the only ones already married and had taken a shine to each other immediately. The night was full of getting reacquainted or acquainted with each other and Eugene felt himself smiling and relaxing a little bit. The only thing preventing him from feeling better than he had in months was that he didn’t know when or if Snafu was supposed to show up and he hadn’t been able to bring himself to ask. The rest of them had checked into their hotel rooms and met up in the lobby before heading to meet Burgin and Burke who were already at the bar.

 

No one had seen or mentioned Snafu in that time, so Eugene figured that they must have known more than he did and left them to it. Part of him wanted to be embarrassed that they were talking about it behind his back, but the larger part of him couldn’t bring himself to care. Sid just seemed happy that he was relaxing even a little bit, so Eugene tried to continue and listen to the others talk about life and tease each other. 

 

It was Bill who finally broke the moratorium on the subject when he looked around the bar and then asked, “So when do you think we’ll be seein’ Snafu?”

 

Eugene almost wanted to laugh at the way the atmosphere changed. Burke, Jackson, and Thompson didn’t know Snafu, so they just looked to Burgin for an answer. The others though, they either glanced at Eugene or made every effort not to glance at him, and one was just as obvious as the other. Sidney looked like he had eaten something sour and was trying not to let anyone know.

 

“That the one you was tellin’ me about from Louisiana?” Thompson asked.

 

Burgin nodded as he stuffed a pretzel in his mouth and replied, “Said taking time off his job was a little more difficult than he imagined. He wasn’t sure which train he would be able to take. Might be here tonight, might not make it until morning, but said not to wait up for him.” He finished with a smile and a shrug as he reached over and stole a sip of Bill’s drink.

 

Any tension dissipated with Bill’s indignant yelp and his scrambling to try and get his drink back. They continued to talk and, after a tipsy Burke nearly got lost on the way from the bar to the table, they eventually moved themselves to the bar so that they wouldn’t have to keep taking turns going back and forth.

 

They had been at the bar for maybe another twenty minutes when Eugene was startled with a very loud, “Hey, there he is!” from De L’Eau. Who had called out, a bit tipsy, pointing across the room to the door that just opened and closed. The loud noise of the bar faded out and time for Eugene seemed to slow down, like he wasn’t even in his body but was watching everything unfold without any control over it. Burgin and Leyden both hopped off their barstools and weaved their way between bar patrons over to the door where they sandwiched the figure between them in a huge overly affectionate hug. De L’Eau’s laughter beside him sounded like it was coming from under water. Eugene hadn’t been able to see anything, but he knew it was Snafu that they were greeting. His lungs felt like they were on fire and he realized he hadn’t taken a breath since De L’Eau’s exclamation. Dragging a lungful of air in through his nose he turned and looked down at the bottle clasped between his hands.

 

“Alright, Gene?” Sidney murmured next to his ear, the sounds of the bar suddenly coming back to him. He nodded in response, but continued to stare at the bar in front of him. Sidney didn’t say anything more, but he felt his shoulder bump into his as a sign of support to let him know he was there.

 

He heard the greetings and introductions take place and he drew in one last fortifying breath before he turned around and took in the sight of the man he hated and wanted so much. He had been hoping that seeing him would at least tell him which one it was, but of course he wasn’t that lucky. If anything, he felt his confusion build.

 

God, Shelton looked good. Without the depths of the Pacific clinging to him like a second skin, he looked like something out of a recruitment poster. He was wearing his service uniform like he had been the last time Eugene had seen him that day on the damned train, but he looked better. Healthier and less worn out than he had. Burgin’s words back in Alabama rang true, he had filled out, larger shoulders and arms even visible under the uniform. He hated that he noticed and he hated even more that some of the girls around them in the bar had obviously noticed.

 

Once the others had been introduced it was just Eugene himself and Sidney who had yet to greet him. He wanted to leave. He wanted to stand up and get the hell out of this bar and walk until he couldn’t feel his legs. Of course he knew that wasn’t an option, so he made himself lean against the bar and look up into those familiar large green eyes.

 

“Hey there, Sledgehamma.” He greeted, his drawl curling over the words in such a familiar way that Eugene felt his heart stutter and the breath leave his lungs. He wanted to put on a mask like Shelton always did, he wanted to pretend everything was fine and that seeing Shelton didn’t feel like he was being found and then lost over and over again, but he just couldn’t. His nice southern manners were gone and he didn’t even care. He couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t so deeply hurt or that he knew how to be familiar anymore. He settled on returning Shelton’s greeting with a simple stiff nod and he caught the disappointed look on Shelton’s face before Sidney stepped up in-between them and held out his hand to Shelton instead.

 

Shelton’s gaze switched to Sidney and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smirk as he reached out and shook the hand.

 

“Good ta see ya, Phillips. Heard congratulations are in order for ya and the missus.” He said, his thick accent pouring over the words like molasses as he accepted the bottle of beer Leyden pushed into his palm.

 

“Likewise, Shelton.” Sid returned, though without any real conviction. “Her name is Mary. Had to move fast to beat Eugene here to the punch or he would have gotten her first.” His words were teasing but Eugene knew what he was trying to do. He sent Sid a halfhearted glare in response.

 

Shelton’s gaze shifted and landed on Eugene again, his smirk wavering into something a bit softer. “I’m sure he would’ve.” He agreed softly as he raised the bottle to his lips and took a long drink.

 

Eugene felt his cheeks heat up and he turned his back to face his own drink, unable to watch Shelton drink his beer like that. Burgin used that moment to announce that he had to take a piss, to which Shelton and Burke replied that they had the same need. They all walked off together shoulder to shoulder towards the restrooms.

 

Once they were out of sight, Eugene turned back to Sid and gave him the best version of his mother’s patented unimpressed look he could muster.

 

“What?” Sid shrugged with a faked wide eyed innocence he hadn’t had since they were 5 years old.

 

“Why don’t you cool it, huh? No one here is stupid, Sid.” Eugene knew it was pointless, he wasn’t going to be able to keep Sid from doing or saying anything to try and get under Shelton’s tough exterior, not when he had decided that Eugene’s pain and hurt were something he was responsible for avenging. Sid gave him a lopsided smile and said, “I ain’t even begun, Gene.” Before turning back to Jackson and asking about the types of animals his family keeps on their farm. Eugene resisted the urge to cuff him upside the head, but only barley.

 

A few minutes later he watched as Burgin, Burke, and Snafu came weaving their way back through the crowd to their place at the bar. Shelton looked to his left and with wide eyes did a double take and ended up stumbling into Burke as he reached around and caught Burgin who was about to push back into his seat.

 

“Hey,” Shelton grabbed Burgin by the arm as he approached the bar, “You didn’t say anythin’ bout Vordan bein’ here.”

 

Burgin looked utterly confused and craned his neck around Shelton until his eyes landed on a group of men sitting at one of the tables. There were four of them around the table, all a few rounds into their drinks for the night. None of them looked particularly stand-out or special in any way. Burgin’s face hardened in the direction of the group and he turned back to Shelton and shook his head vehemently.

 

“Snaf, I didn’t invite that asshole. I don’t know what the hell he is doing here in Texas but he wont be at the wedding, he wasn’t invited. Honest, I don’t know why he’s here.”

 

Eugene discretely watched the interaction from his place at the bar. Shelton released Burgin and gave him a tiny nod of understanding as he picked up his beer again. Whoever the guy was, he and Shelton had a history and clearly, Shelton didn’t want anything to do with him past that. He wondered which one they were talking about and what the big deal was.

 

Shelton and Burgin continued to settle back into the bar, Eugene’s heart racing with each step closer they came to his spot next to Leyden, but just as they were only a step away, a voice from the other table called out to them.

 

“Well look who showed up breathin’! The Bayou’s finest trash.” Shelton stopped at the sound of the voice and his eyes connected with Burgin’s first, and then slid and locked with Eugene’s own. Normally, he would have torn his gaze away, but the apprehension he could see in Shelton’s eyes kept his gaze firmly in place. Shelton’s shoulders squared and his chin lifted in the way they always did when he preparing for a confrontation. His large eyes softened for a brief moment as he looked at Eugene, as if he had been searching for something familiar to lock onto and found it. The softness faded as a larger round faced man at the table spoke again, speaking to the men at his table but directing his words toward Snafu.

 

“Shelton here hails from New Orleans, jus’ like me. Course you had to swim or paddle a ways out to get to his neck o’ the woods. Ain’t that right, Merriell? Thought for sure you’d be dead by now. Guess that swamp magic actually did protect you after all.”

 

With a last look at Eugene, Shelton broke the connection and turned his gaze back to Burgin, who was now facing the group at the table and had put his hand on Shelton’s shoulder and was gripping it tightly. He didn’t do or say anything before the other guy, Vordan, Eugene guessed, continued to call out further snide comments.

 

“Tell me boy, was your daddy angry when he found out your sorry ass made it through the war? I heard tell he was hoping you wouldn’t make it. Heard that death money would have come in real handy for his drinkin’ habit.”

 

For a brief moment, Eugene saw both dread and acceptance flit over Shelton’s features as he and Burgin exchanged looks before he composed himself. Shelton’s expression barely twitched as he turned towards the man and the group he was with. His face gave nothing away, staying a frozen mask of dark amusement as he leaned against the bar and let his eyes lazily take in the group at the table. To everyone else, Shelton looked like he barely had a care to spare for what the man had said, but Eugene knew him better than that. He knew what to look for, which is why he saw the tension in his shoulders, the hard set of his jaw, his hand hand tightened around the bottle he was holding until his knuckles were white and his fingers were shaking almost imperceptibly.

 

“Vordan. Surprised to see your sorry ass alive too. Course by surprised I mean disappointed. Japs sure let me down again, thought for sure the they woulda had hard time missin’ your big mouth.”    

 

Vordan’s mouth was set in an ugly sneer as he stood up and approached the bar on swaying feet.

 

“I heard your daddy tried to collect that body money a few times. His words was true, you can’t even die right, can ya?”

 

Shelton was still leaning against the bar but he had straightened up a bit as Vordan approached. “Mind you’self,” He drawled as they came within a foot of each other, “We got some ladies present.” Vordan cast a glance around the bar to the various young woman who were near them. Shelton continued, “Aside from you and the ones at ya table, I mean.”

 

It happened in the blink of an eye, Vordan had seized Shelton by the collar and Burgin, Leyden, and Sidney were trying to separate them while Jackson, De L’Eau, Burke, Thompson, and Eugene were up out of their seats to block out the other members of Vordan’s table who had stood to come over as back-up. It was Sidney who finally pushed his way between the two and locked his arm keeping Vordan back from Shelton.

 

“That’s more than enough, both of you.” He announced, giving Vordan a hard shove back when he moved forward.

 

Vordan’s anger was lit now though, and Eugene could tell he wasn’t done with whatever damage he wanted to do. His friends were behind him, but didn’t look too inclined to be part of the outnumbered fight he was itching to start. Vordan leaned in again, Sid’s hand straining against his large chest.

 

In a lowered tone he hissed, “Your friends here know what you are? They know how you like to get used hard on your knees and on your back? Bet that’s why daddy didn’t want you home, huh? Bet that’s why he drank.”

 

Eugene’s heart was pounding in his chest, seeing and hearing the pure hate and anger Vordan was directing at Shelton, whose face still held the infuriatingly impassive smile that made you feel he was mocking you. Eugene realized that he only knew how a few of their friends felt about Shelton’s possible personal preferences. _Yours too, Eugene, don’t kid yourself_ , his mind whispered. He hoped that the others wouldn’t react badly or make a scene in the wake of the insinuations that were just made.

 

It was surprising, to say the least, when Sidney stopped holding his place as buffer between the two of them in favor of getting up into Vordan’s face and spitting, “This is your last warning. Take your friends and go back to your fucking table.”

 

Vordan finally looked at Sid and whatever he saw in his eyes must have translated somehow, because he backed up a little bit and gave one last parting line before heading back to his table.

 

“Guess you must have gotten pretty good with that mouth of yours. Your mamma would be so proud.”

 

Shelton didn’t even blink.

 

After the other men all finally walked away and were back across the floor at their table, Eugene, Thompson, Jackson, Burke, and De L’Eau returned to the bar, but didn’t go to their previous seats, instead standing next to Sid, who hadn’t moved from in front of Shelton and Burgin. After a few of them traded awkward glances, all eyes turned to Shelton. Burgin’s hand had never left his shoulder and Shelton’s own hand had reached up and grasped Burgin’s wrist. Shelton’s gaze had been looking out at the floor fixed on nothing in particular but now shifted back to connect with Burgin’s.

 

“Just ain’t my night, huh?” He tried with a forced smile.

 

Burgin gave a small smile and said, “Not your fault. Asshole never should have opened his mouth.”

 

Sidney surprised Eugene again when he said, “Can I get you another?” Pointing to Shelton’s forgotten drink that had fallen to the floor.

 

Eugene looked up and was surprised to find Shelton’s gaze on him. His heart was still pounding from the confrontation and his mind was working overtime, to process and piece together pieces of Shelton’s personal history from the conversation, that he wasn’t thinking and he glanced away almost immediately out of instinct. Instantly, he regretted it, knowing it might have been read wrong, so he looked back at him. Unfortunately, the damage was done, and he saw Shelton’s face change from unsure to closed and unreadable. Shelton regarded Sidney for a moment before he gave him a tight smile and replied, “That’s real kind o’ ya, Phillips, but I think it’s time I call it a night. Long train ride really did me in.”

 

Of course it was a lie that they all saw through easily, but Eugene had to applaud Shelton’s ability to keep his voice even and his smile wide. He let go of Burgin’s wrist and pulled him in for a quick hug that Burgin returned with twice the force. Eugene felt a rush of affection for the others as they all stepped up without any hesitance to give Shelton a hug, in the case of Leyden and De L’Eau, and a handshake from Burke, Jackson, and Thompson. Burgin really knew how to pick friends, it seemed. Sidney extended his hand and Shelton pretended to consider it for a moment before taking it warmly and giving Sid’s hand an extra pat, his own acknowledgement for what Sid had tried to do.

 

When Shelton’s gaze landed on Eugene his smile turned a bit soft around the edges again, but he didn’t make a move to reach out or offer his hand. He simply said, “See y’all tomorrow mornin’. Don’t stay too late now, y’hear? I aint gonna come pick y’all up off the floor or bail ya outta no jail. Sledge,” Eugene felt his heart skip again, “I’m leavin’ you in charge. Take care o’ this bunch.” He said with a wink before paying his tab and sliding through the crowd and out the door.

 

Eugene watched him go all the way until the bar door swung closed behind him. Turning, he saw that most of the members of his group were watching Vordan at the other table to make sure he hadn’t watched Shelton leave and that he wasn’t going to follow him. After they were satisfied that he wasn’t going anywhere, they all turned back to the bar and their drinks.

 

“Well,” Jackson started, getting all their attention, “I like him. He’s a real firecracker.” All the rest of them snorted and laughed in surprise before trying to fall into normal conversation again. Eugene simply looked down at his drink, wanting to either find a way to crawl inside the glass and drown or to run as fast as he possibly could after Shelton. He felt Burgin on his left and Sid on his right. Sid bumped their shoulders together and Eugene looked up at his friend. Sid looked remorseful and said, “Hey, both of you, I’m sorry about the things I said. And I’ll apologize to him too, if you’d like.”

 

Burgin looked grateful but said, “Sid, if you even try that, I think he might knock your head off your shoulders.”

   

They ended up staying for only about an hour more before heading for the hotel. Once in the lobby, Burgin asked the desk if Merriell Shelton had checked in, which they confirmed and told him he was in room 210, just down the hall from the rest of them. Burgin thanked the woman and walked over to say goodbye, telling them that he would be there in the morning to meet them for the uniform fittings.

 

They all said their goodnights and went into their separate ways, leaving Eugene and Sidney walking down the hallway to their rooms.

 

“I think you outta check on him, Gene.” Sid said whispered in the darkly lit hallway.

 

“I thought you wanted him to get hit by the train on his way here?” Eugene fired back.

 

Sid shot him a glare as he fumbled in his pocket for the key to his room. “I’m tryin’ to be supportive here, Gene.” He said, frustrated as the key wouldn’t turn. Eugene rolled his eyes and took it out of his hands, turning it once and turning the handle to open the door for him. Sid grunted as a thank you and moved inside his room. “I mean it, Gene. I didn’t say you should go do anything _else_ with him, I just said I think you should check on him.”

 

Eugene turned away with a scoff and a very pointed, “Goodnight, Sid.”

 

Once Sid closed the door and Eugene was left in the dark hallway alone he glanced down the hall to the end and saw room 210. On shaky legs he walked a few steps closer and simply stood a few feet away from the door.

 

Yes, someone should check on him after what had happened tonight, but it probably shouldn’t be him. He couldn’t even handle himself like an adult at the bar, barely able to meet his gaze, unable to get anywhere close to touching him. He knew that looking away from Shelton like he did at the bar had caused more pain between them. Every time he thought it couldn’t get worse, it universe seemed to laugh at him and throw another curveball his way.

 

He was just about to turn and walk back to his room when the door suddenly swung open and made him jump. Shelton was no longer in his service uniform, instead standing in front of Eugene with only a pair of worn sleep pants slung low across his narrow hips. _Yes_ , a resounding absolute _yes_ , Burgin had been right, whatever Shelton had been doing for work was paying off. It took Eugene way too long to get a hold of himself and stop staring at Shelton’s exposed torso. Once his eyes finally managed to make the trip upwards and look at the other man’s face he noted how exhausted he looked. His eyes were wide and a bit puffy but his usual smirk slid across his face as he noted Eugene’s struggle to keep his eyes above his shoulders.

 

“Evenin’ Sledgehamma.”

 

As soon as he heard the greeting, he felt the weight of the situation push back down on his shoulders. The smirk was infuriating and the fact that he was acting like nothing had happened on the islands, on the train, in the bar, it was maddening. Just once, he wanted Shelton to be honest with him. To take off that stupid mask he always has on and to be open with him.

 

When the smirk slid off of Shelton’s face Eugene realized that he might be too tired and too drunk to be standing here, because he’s pretty sure he just said that out loud.

 

“What is it ya want me to say, Sledge?

 

Damn it.

 

“An apology for leaving me on that train without so much as a goodbye might be a good place to start.”

 

Why in the world did he drink tonight? Why was he standing here? He’s just going to make things worse.

 

“I can’t apologize for that.” Shelton answers.

 

He almost doesn’t have the words to respond to that. “Why the fuck not?” He demands, voice rising.

 

Shelton casts a worried glance at the empty hallway before saying, “I-I just can’t. I wish - It’s not…” Frustrated, his hand runs through his dark curls that Eugene’s brain decides to just now notice are slightly damp from a shower he must recently have taken. They look incredibly soft in this light and Eugene’s fingers itch to reach out and feel for themselves.

 

“Well then I can’t be here.” He finally pushes out and turns to walk towards his own room.

 

“Wait! Sledge. Please, hold on. I- I am, I am sorry, jus’ not for that. I don’t know how to say it; I wish I knew how to…”

 

Eugene felt the night catching up with him, the crash of the alcohol setting in. As he turned his key in the lock he said, “Either you can say it or you can’t. But I can’t keep waiting for you to decide.” He shrugged.

 

“You don’t know what it is you’re asking, Eugene.”

 

And there it is, the way he says Eugene, in his heavy drawling accent. The way his heart skips when he hears it. The only thing he wants to hear for the rest of his life. He wants to hear it said with a smile, he wants to hear it said with a sigh, a moan, irritated when Shelton is annoyed with him, when he’s excited about something, all of it. He just wants Shelton to be around for all of it, and he hates himself for this, because Shelton can’t even say that he is sorry for leaving him alone on the train.

 

“Maybe. But you don’t know what you are taking from me, Merriell.” He whispers over his shoulder. As the door swings closed he hears the sharp intake of breath from the other man as Eugene says his given name for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reference to "Death Money" or "Body Money" is referring to Death Gratuity.
> 
> Death Gratuity - The Department of Defense provides a one-time lump sum Death Gratuity of $100,000 to the primary next of kin of a Service member who dies while on active duty. Its purpose is to help the survivors in their readjustment and to aid them in meeting immediate expenses incurred.


	4. Texas Again

The next morning Eugene was woken up by a persistent knock at his door making the pounding in his head worse. Damn, he hadn’t even had _that_ much to drink, why the hell was he so down? The knock didn’t stop, even after he pulled his pillow over his ears.

 

Sidney’s amused voice came through his door, and judging by how much it was being muffled, he must have his lips as far into the crack of the doorjamb as possible.

 

“Euuugggeeennneee,” He said in a long sing-song voice. “Open the door buddy, it’s time to wake up.”   

 

Eugene flopped onto his back with a groan.

 

“Up, up, up, Gene!” Sid continued from the hallway.

 

When Eugene finally got himself out of bed and wrenched the door open he was greeted with a shit-eating grin from his best friend as well as the amused faces of De L’Eeau, Burke, Leyden, and Jackson.

 

“I absolutely hate you.” He said, voice lacking any real heat.

 

They all followed him into his room and spread themselves around as he gathered his things and headed into the bathroom. While he brushed his teeth he kept glancing back into the room wondering where Shelton was and then trying to tell himself it didn’t matter. _Right_. Only after he had dressed and combed his hair did they all gather their things and head out, each of them with their Dress Blue Uniforms in garment bags slung over their shoulders. Opening his room door, they stepped out into the hallway where they found Shelton and Thompson leaning against the wall wearing casual clothes and smoking together with their garment bags as well. Eugene’s step faltered slightly at the sight, but he recovered quickly and plastered a polite smile on his face in return to Thompson’s greeting of “Good morning!”

 

Shelton glanced up at him but otherwise busied himself with the cigarette he held between his fingers. Eugene stomped down on the feeling of jealously that had risen up seeing Merriell look comfortable in Thompson’s presence. Of course, if he thought about it, Merriell was comfortable in nearly everyone’s presence except his. He felt a longing in his chest for the closeness that he thought they used to have. Back in the Pacific, they had gotten to the point that it used to be the two of them together and to hell with nearly everyone else, with a few exceptions. When they couldn’t stand anyone else, they could stand each other. Eugene felt like his heart was growing heavier with every small realization of loss that began to weigh it down so much he wondered if it would grow impossible to continue to carry around.

 

There was a small difference now, though. Since last night when he had whispered, _Merriell_ , instead of Snafu or Shelton, he was finding it nearly impossible to call him anything except that. His first name wasn’t one that Eugene had ever used, in the Pacific or back in the States. Merriell had called him Eugene, but he had never returned the action. The man next to him in the dark muddy foxhole never had any sort of feeling or softness that Eugene could find to equal the name Merriell. The man in front of him last night though, that man who looked almost as torn up and confused as Eugene was, he did fit the name. And since that name had taken a home in Eugene’s mind and now in his mouth, he found that he didn’t mind it. He recalled with enjoyment the way that the other man’s breath had caught when he heard his first name fall from Eugene’s lips last night. He desperately wished that he had been a little bit more brave and that he hadn’t had his back turned when he had said it. He wished he could have seen the look on his face to accompany the small gasp.

 

Together they all stepped out of the hotel with their uniform bags and into the hot Texas sun where Burgin was waiting for them on the sidewalk.

 

“Mornin’ boys. Who else feels like they got hit by a tank last night?” He called to them with a wince at the volume of his own voice.

 

“Boy, you keep hollerin’ like that and imma make sure you do.” Merriell replied around his cigarette. Eugene couldn’t help his small smile at that. They all knew that he hadn’t had much more than a few sips of beer last night so his head couldn’t have been hurting, which meant he was just annoyed by Burgin’s general sunny disposition.

 

The others laughed and they all continued down the street with Burgin leading them. Eugene fell into step beside Sidney and De L’Eau and listened to the others talk, but he kept his gaze on Merriell who was walking in front of him next to Thompson and Jackson. Eugene could tell from the way Shelton was walking and the set of his shoulders that he knew that Eugene was watching him. He felt a small bit of pleasure knowing that he might be making Shelton uncomfortable.

 

The others continued to chat about everything and nothing together as they walked down the street.

 

“So, Snafu,” Burke started, “I’ve got a question for you.”

 

Eugene saw the tense set of Shelton’s shoulders and it was a small testament to his intimate knowledge of the man that he could tell without seeing Shelton’s face that he was immediately on defensive.

 

“Oh, you gonna be a nosy asshole this early in the mornin’ huh?” He replied with his usual snark. Eugene tried to hide the small smile on his lips at hearing the old sass he had grown so used to. Hell, they were even a bunch of Marines trudging along the road in the heat. If he tried, he could imagine them all back there on the islands now, with Snafu giving lip to one of the new boots he so loved to tease.

 

Instead of the disarmed confusion the new boot would have had at the reply, Burke’s smile only grew as he walked backwards facing Shelton. Burgin must have prepared his friends well for the often ill-tempered Cajun.

 

“I heard you knew a buddy of mine, Timmy Caldwell. He was with your unit for a bit in Gloucester before being transferred.”

 

Eugene saw the tension fade a little bit from Merriell’s shoulders as he heard the question. He gave a small nod and replied, “Caldwell, yeah. Yeah, I remember him. Hey, De L’Eau, wasn’t it Caldwell that got mixed up with that pretty local girl with the Army boo?”

 

De L’Eau’s bark of laughter and Merriell’s answering laugh was enough to pique the group’s interest. Eugene was just interested in hearing a story from them from before his time, especially one that made Merriell smile and laugh like he just had. He was like a damn sponge, trying to absorb any information on Merriell Shelton he possibly could.

 

“Alright, so get this,” De L’Eau starts, “We’re all sittin’ on our asses, minding our own damn business when Caldwell comes runnin’ his ass into camp. He says that some Army guy is out for him, gonna cut off his dick and kill him.”

 

“Neva seen the man look like that. Thought he had a Jap on his heels or somethin’.” Shelton shook his head with a smile. 

 

“So he comes screamin’ in and falls to his knees in front of us, telling us that he’s been messing around with some Army guy’s girl and that he’s gonna try and kill him for it. Now, I’m feeling like Caldwell deserves a beating, but Snafu decided that we really outta help him out, being comrades and all that.”

 

The tone of De L’Eau’s voice suggests that Shelton most definitely wasn’t as pure hearted as he painted the picture.

 

“Nah, in his defense, this kitty was some kinda beau-ti-ful.” Shelton said with a low whistle. “Worth any beating or a trip to hell, I tell you what.”

 

Eugene felt that same stab of jealously as De L’Eau agreed and then continued, “Which is why I’m sure it wasn’t a hardship for you to convince her to take you out to the alley behind that little bar and prove to her ‘boyfriend’ that if he wanted to beat up every Marine she’d been with, he’d be taking on an entire company. Poor girl had scrapes on her knees when you two came back in!”

 

Eugene made the mistake of looking up at Burgin, who was casting him a covert concerned glance.

 

“Boy, that weren’t even my fault!” Merriell said with a puff around his cigarette, his expression hidden from view.  

 

The rest of the story fell of deaf ears for Eugene, though he distantly heard the others cracking up at the tale and the way it had ended with the Army guy in deep trouble with his unit for trying to fight a Marine Company. The second he heard that Merriell had been involved with the girl he felt a rock drop to the pit of his stomach. He had tried so hard to tell himself he didn’t care, ever since Sidney had told him about the things he had heard or seen Merriell get up to with other men or woman while they were stationed together.

 

Eugene had never been a jealous person in the past, he just didn’t think that it was in his personality. He had always lived with the idea that if you love and respect each other there was no need for jealousy to become a great issue, and if you let it become one you probably shouldn’t be together. He didn’t feel it when Sid told him about Mary. He didn’t feel it when an old school girlfriend had left him for another boy. He only ever felt jealousy when it came to Merriell Shelton.

 

And truthfully, his jealousy wasn’t really the problem. Jealousy was a perfectly normal emotion and as long as handled well it shouldn’t be a problem. It was his reaction to the jealousy that was the problem. In response to it, his mind and body wanted desperately to grab Merriell and make his own mark on the other man, to claim him and love him and ruin him so that everyone would know that he was taken. He wanted to do everything he possibly could so that Merriell wouldn’t be able to think about anyone else but Eugene himself ever again.

 

The possessive streak he never knew he had was burning him up and he felt a little bit ashamed of it. He had tried to tell himself that Merriell’s past didn’t matter, or that if he had found someone in New Orleans he would be happy for him. He really had tried. The moment he had seen Shelton last night at the bar he knew that all of his efforts were a waste. He was so far gone for him it was stupid. 

 

Lost in thought, Eugene barely noticed that they had arrived at the tailor shop that would be fitting and making the needed alterations to their uniforms for the wedding. Eugene had been desperately trying not to think about having to put the uniform on. He didn’t even know why; it’s not like they wore their Dress Blues in the Pacific or anything, but the thought of putting them on still made him feel uneasy.

 

The tailor was a nice older woman with grey streaked hair, glasses perched on the end of her nose, dressed in a simple floral dress. She greeted them warmly and showed them back to a larger room with many mirrors and sewing supplies. She then waved them towards a few dressing rooms with curtains and insisted that they each put on the uniforms that they brought with them and that she would take each of them in turn before bustling off back to the front of the shop.

 

Eugene didn’t make eye contact with anyone as he gripped his garment bag and ducked into one of the curtain covered cubicles at the far end. He could hear a few of the other guys joking with each other and the distinct thud of a shoe being tossed over the sides of someone else’s cubical, followed by a muffled curse as the shoe hit the intended target.

 

Standing in the small space he stared at the garment bag he placed on the hook. His hands were shaking slightly as they hung at his sides, trying to work himself up to unzipping the bag and getting on with it. His frustration and annoyance with himself was building every second that he continued to just stand there.

 

The curtain to his dressing room suddenly moved and he felt a warm body slide up behind him in the tiny space that was clearly not meant to fit more than one person comfortably. In trying to spin around to see the intruder, his elbow caught said person in the stomach, making them wheeze and double over even further into his space, creating a cage around Eugene with his arms as he braced himself on the wall. He only felt a momentary twinge of guilt before he realized that it was Merriell, the guilt quickly dissipating to make room for the confusion and indignant anger. They could barley speak or look at each other, and here he was sneaking into Eugene’s dressing room as if it were a foxhole.

 

“Damn, Sledge, keep them bony elbows to yo'self, huh?” He gasped with a pained whisper.

 

Eugene’s annoyance went even higher, “Me?” He whispered furiously, “You’re the one who just invaded my space without an invitation! What the hell are you doing in here?”

 

Merriell seemed to recover from the elbow blow and straightened up a little bit, changing the atmosphere of the tiny space. Eugene noted how closely they were standing, only inches separating their chests and faces, breathing the same air. Merriell’s eyes were bright even in the dim light of the cubical and Eugene could smell a mix of faint cigarette smoke, sawdust, and soap. He was already mostly dressed in his uniform

 

Merriell looked only shrugged and tilted his head towards where the garment bag still hung on the hook. “I thought ya might need a bit o’ help with that.”

 

Eugene could hardly believe what he was hearing. “I don’t need help getting dressed, Me- _Shelton_.” He hoped the almost slip of his first name would go unnoticed. The way Merriell’s gaze snapped to his and the tilt of his head told him that it hadn’t.

 

“I saw the way you was lookin’ at it, like it was gonna bite ya or somethin’.”

 

Eugene was desperately trying to ignore the distracting picture Merriell was presenting in front of him. His hair was a little bit tousled as if he had been running a hand through it. He was barefoot and his pants were on but the top button and belt were both undone, as well as his white dress shirt that hung open down most of his chest and his jacket undone on top of it. Eugene’s mind helpfully noted that he looked halfway through being _undressed_ and his fingers, that before had been shaking out of fear, were now shaking with the effort it was taking Eugene not to reach out and finish the job.

 

“Oh are you back to watching me from afar again?” Eugene whispered bitingly, not feeling like acknowledging the truth that he was having difficulty with the uniform.

 

Merriell’s eyebrows drew together and Eugene had to admit he was a little bit nervous as he saw the shift in his attitude. “Listen here Eugene, I’m trying _very_ hard to keep my head and make sure that Burgie can give his girl the weddin’ present she asked for. I know you angry with me for what happened on that damn train, though for the life o’ me I can’t figure why. You got yo’self a life back in Mobile, you got yo’self a happy family and friends. You got a future, Eugene.”

 

Eugene desperately wanted to yell at him and tell him just how completely wrong he was, maybe even punch him in the nose, but he held himself back and tried to remember where they currently were and who was around. Clinging to that thought he look a few calming breaths and said, “We can’t do this here. If Sid sees you-” But Merriell cut him off with a scoff and a sneer.

 

“You gonna threaten me with Sidney fuckin’ Phillips?”

 

 _Where had that come from?_ Eugene’s calm was slipping quickly. “Sid has been nice to you this whole time; I don’t know what your problem is-”

 

Merriell leaned even closer to Eugene, his anger was barely controlled as he said, “I don’t need it. Phillips has been _nice_ to me for two reasons. One, he’s feelin’ sorry for me for the shit y’all heard last night at the bar. Well I don’t need no pity, thank you very much. If I wanted any o’ y’all to know any o’ that I woulda told ya myself.” Eugene’s back was to the wall now, as far as he could plaster himself against it. Merriell’s voice was still low so he wasn’t worried anyone would hear them, but the danger he could hear in it was enough to remind him why everyone had been so eager to avoid Shelton in the Pacific.

 

“The second reason is outta respect for _you_ , though at this point I don’t know why, since you’ve made it real clear you can’t stand to be around me.” Eugene opened his mouth to refute that but Merriell pressed on, “Bein’ back home changed things, I guess. Trash is only tolerable in the Pacific, where good things don’t exist. Back home you don’t want none o’ this around.” He gestured at himself while Eugene desperately tried to follow the words he was spitting out. “I get it. Ain’t the first time. Just didn’t expect it from you, Eugene.”

 

A bit of the anger seemed to fade as Merriell put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling above them. When he looked at Eugene again his eyes weren’t clouded in anger as they had been. Instead, they looked sad. “You want honesty?  This is why I got off the fuckin’ train. Back on the islands we was all pretty equal. I knew there would be a day when we got back home an you realized we wasn’t really. I didn’t wanna be there for that.”

 

Eugene’s throat was so dry he could barely breathe. It was like each small breath had to be dragged down his raw throat like sandpaper scraping the walls. His heart was beating erratically and the only thing keeping him up was the wall at his back.  

 

They were interrupted by an indignant distant Jackson yelling, “You throw one more shoe and I swear to God-”

 

In the space of that second to the next, Merriell was gone. Eugene was left to watch the curtain slowly stop swaying in the wake of his exit. He stayed where he was for only a few more moments before he felt his legs begin to give out and he slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting against it with his knees pulled up to his chest. A small sob finally fell from his mouth and he quickly slapped one of his hands over it in shock.

 

He had it all wrong, so very wrong, and Eugene couldn’t find the words in the moment to let him know. He had frozen and let Merriell think that he was right when the truth couldn’t be further away. Each thought he had was fleeting before another would take its place and he just couldn’t keep up. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, his thoughts a shattered mess around him.

 

His ears registered a distant knock on the wall outside his curtain cubicle, but he couldn’t find it in himself to recognize or respond to it. He continued to sit with his arms folded on top of his bent knees and his forehead pressed to his folded arms.

 

The sound of the curtain moving didn’t pull him from his spot and neither did Sid’s voice.

 

“Eugene? Shelton just told me you might need- what the? Eugene?” He felt Sidney crouch down next to him and put his hands on his shoulders, trying to get Eugene to lift his head up. Summoning all the strength he had in the moment, Eugene did just that. Whatever Sidney saw made his jaw tighten and Eugene barely moved quick enough to grab Sid’s wrist before he stood up, presumably to go beat Merriell for the hurt he thought he caused.

 

“Please don’t, Sid.” He pleaded. “I-If you really want to help, please just help me get through this fitting.”

 

Sidney’s jaw was locked and he was clearly unhappy, but he relented and held out a hand to help him stand up.


	5. Texas x3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of very slight suicidal tension near the end of this chapter. Not actually suicidal thoughts, just in the context of a misunderstanding.

When Eugene finally stepped out of the dressing room and up on the pedestal he felt himself slide back into the eerie clam that he had sometimes found in the War. When hell was breaking loose around you and within you but nothing could change it, so your mind would protect itself by shutting down unnecessary functions, such as emotion. Sidney was clearly worried about him, hovering close while trying to maintain the illusion of things being all fine. Eugene knew it was for his benefit to save face with the other guys and he appreciated it.   

 

He mechanically turned this way and that at the request of the old woman sticking pins in his suit. He held still and answered her questions, speaking when spoken to, just like back at boot camp. He knew the headspace he had found wasn’t healthy, and distantly he thought maybe he should be frightened that he had, but separating himself from the pain and emotion was the only way he was going to make it through this and get back to the relative safety of his hotel room. He wished he had his pipe, just for the soothing act of packing and unpacking it.

 

It didn’t take too long for the woman to declare him finished and he gave her a nod and thanks before turning away to change back into his clothes, passing Sidney who stood like a sentry outside outside his changing cubicle, going for casual and missing by a mile. Still, he was comforted to know his friend had his back. As he buttoned up his shirt, he realized that he hadn’t given a second thought to putting the uniform on, having more pressing matters on his mind. He was thankful for that at least, to know that he would be able to wear the uniform for the wedding.

 

When he re-emerged dressed in his regular clothes it was Leyden on the pedestal, red faced and trying to ignore the others who were making cracks about the few pounds Bill had put on around his hips since being home. The jokes were tame and good-natured, mindful of the older woman who was doing the pinning. Judging by the poorly hidden smile on her lips as she held pins between her teeth, she found them quite funny.

 

“Nah Bill, its real inconsiderate of ya to go an make this lovely lady’s life more difficult. Now she’s gonna haveta let out the seams some.” Merriell was leaning forward in his chair, his elbows on his knees as he spoke.

 

The woman continued to smile as she took the pin from her mouth and pinned it in place, just as Bill shifted and opened his mouth, presumably to reply to Merriell, but instead let out a yelp as the pin pricked his skin.

 

“Dear boy, you _have_ to stop moving around or you’ll be a pincushion by the time we’re done!” She said, exasperated.

 

Bill snapped his mouth shut, embarrassed and instead glared at Shelton, who’s lazy grin was back in full force.

 

“Yeah Bill, hold yo’self still. Didn’t ya see me and Burgie? I was real well behaved, ain’t that right Ma’am?” Merriell’s face melted into one of earnest innocence as he addressed the woman.

 

She smiled sweetly at him and said, “Very well behaved, dear. You must have experience in this line of work!”

 

Merriell beamed proudly back and said, “My mamma was a bit of a seamstress. Used to have me help her sometimes.”

 

Her captivated reply and the continued conversation meant that she missed the eye-rolling and dumbfounded looks from all of the others as she ate up the innocent good-boy act. Judging by the grin on Merriell’s face, he didn’t, and he was enjoying immensely both the attention of the obviously charmed woman, and the disbelief of his friends.

 

Eugene again found himself trying not to be mesmerized by the man who just a while ago had reduced him to an almost catatonic state. He took comfort in the fact that he knew Merriell was upset and hurt by their interaction, since he hadn’t looked at or addressed Eugene even once since exiting the dressing room. If he had looked at him while Eugene was being fitted, he had been stealthy about it.

 

“What a nice young man you are!” The woman reached out and patted Merriell’s cheek as he offered to crouch next to her and hold the pins so she wouldn’t need to hold them between her teeth. As they crouched next to each other she pointed out some details of the stitching and whispered some sewing secrets to him that her own mother had taught her years ago. Eugene watched as Merriell did, in fact, lean in to inspect what she pointed out and asked some follow-up questions, even throwing in some particulars about the way that his own mother used to stich a certain pattern.

 

It was yet another small piece of Merriell Shelton that was slowly being brought into the light. As he spoke about his mother, Merriell’s face softened and his smile became wistful. Eugene knew that Merriell’s father had been a bastard, but he had never spoken of his mother. The only thing Eugene had ever heard was Vordan’s throw away comment that night in the bar, _“Guess you must have gotten pretty good with that mouth of yours. Your mamma would be so proud.”_

As they all gathered their things and headed towards the front of the store, Merriell leaned against the front counter and continued to chat away with the woman. Burgin stepped up to pay and thanked her for not only preforming the fitting and the future alterations, but for keeping Shelton out of trouble. Her laugh was kind as she replied, “Well we could all use a little trouble now and then, couldn’t we R.V.? Especially when it comes with such a sweet smile.” Merriell winked at her in response and Burgin rolled his eyes and hauled Merriell out the door with a last thank you and plans to come back in two days.

 

 

 

About an hour later, Eugene was halfway through packing his pipe near his open hotel window when a knock at his hotel room door revealed Leyden, Burgin, Burke, and De L’Eau. Bill held up a deck of cards, Burgin was holding the poker chips, and De L’Eau and Burke had arms full of beer cans. With an indulgent smile Eugene swung the door open wide to let them in.

 

“Where are the others?” Eugene asked as they moved some of the furniture and spread themselves out on the floor next to the open window.

 

“Jackson and Thompson ran out to get more beer and bring back lunch for everyone, Shelton said he was gonna take a smoke outside, and Phillips was with us until just a second ago but he grabbed his cigarettes and said that he had something he had to do and he’d be right back.” Jay answered as he was trying to steal a pillow from the couch behind Leyden’s head.

 

Eugene stopped what he was doing upon hearing that. If Sid grabbed his cigarettes and went outside… “Did he go out the same way as Shelton?”

 

The five of them froze and looked at each other before they were all tripping over each other in their rush to get to the open window. Crouching below it, they all stared at each other until Burgie rolled his eyes and did a quick peek over the windowsill to survey the ground below them. After ducking back down he nodded at them and whispered, “Sidney just walked out, he’s standing behind Snaf.”

 

Eugene held his finger up to his lips and they all lifted to peek out the window and strained to hear any words from below.

 

Shelton was leaning on the wall of the building with his head tilted back and his eyes closed, cigarette hanging between his fingers. Hearing the door open he lazily tilted his head and cracked one of his eyes open to track Sidney’s movements as he slowly strolled over until he too leaned up against the building a few feet away. Shelton closed his eyes again.

 

“Come to get the jump on me, Phillips?” He said with an unconcerned smile in his voice as he brought his cigarette to his mouth and blew smoke out in front of him in vacantly robotic movements.

 

“I don’t think I like you much.” Sidney answered, the inflection sounding halfway between a question and a statement. Shelton’s answer was a bark of laughter and, “Oh, I know, Phillips, I remember. Now you gonna try an tell me why that is? Started before Sledge came into the picture.”

 

“There are a lot of reasons why.”

 

“Mmm, do enlighten me. Did I injure your delicate sensibilities that night in the showers on Gloucester?” Shelton’s tone was completely unconcerned with Sidney’s answer either way.

 

Eugene saw and heard Sidney’s huff coming a mile away. “No. You and I both know I wasn’t there to be your next customer.” Shelton’s chuckle was low and uncaring of Sidney’s indignant tone. He hadn’t even bothered to open his closed eyes, his head still tipped backwards against the cool brick of the hotel.

 

“Oh, lemme guess; there’s one reason in particular, ain’t that right?”

 

“…Dannon.” Sidney eventually replied. Eugene felt Burgin and De L’Eau stiffen next to him, but Leyden and Burke looked as confused as Eugene felt.

 

“Dannon.” Shelton echoed, emotionless.

 

“I just couldn’t-can’t understand-”

 

Shelton cut him off, amused. “I remember the look on your face, you looked like you’d seen the devil himself.”

 

“I thought maybe I had.” Sidney said, shaking his head and looking down at the pavement below his feet. There was silence for a few moments before Sidney continued the conversation by saying, “I didn’t hate you, even then. I just couldn’t understand-”

 

“You ain’t gonna understand, Phillips.” Shelton snapped, starting to sound frustrated with the length and direction of the conversation. When Sidney shook his head Shelton sighed and opened his mouth to berate him with a no doubt sarcastic comment, but Sidney had pushed himself up from the wall and turned to face him.

 

“Try me.” He shot back with determination.

 

Shelton took the cigarette from between his teeth and finally turned to look at Sidney with raised eyebrows. “Now did Sledge learn his stubborn-ass attitude from you or did you pick it up from him?” Eugene couldn’t help the flash of warmth that he felt, hearing the fondness in Merriell’s voice. His small grin only grew when he heard Sidney’s answer, “Probably a little bit of both.”

 

Again, silence for a few moments before Shelton’s worn voice filtered through the window.

 

“I know you don’t like me, Phillips, but I’m sure it doesn’t have as much to do with this as it does with Eugene.”

 

In the hotel room, the other guys threw sidelong looks at Eugene, but he couldn’t bring himself to tear his eyes and ears away from the scene below them.

 

“If you are talking about what you did on that train, you’re right. Or maybe you mean the things that have happened in the few days you’ve been here? You’re lucky I haven’t beat you into the ground just on the principle of the thing. If you want, you can explain that to me next. Right now, I want to understand that day on Gloucester with Dannon.”

 

Shelton’s head fell back to the brick wall again as his eyes looked up to the dark sky as if searching for direction.

 

“Dannon took somethin’ from me, Phillips. Somethin’ I came all the way to the goddamn Pacific for. Through enlistment, boot camp, the shit on all those little islands, to fuckin’ Gloucester. All that way, and Dannon took it away from me.” By the end his voice had gotten sharper and the fingers holding his cigarette were shaking. His his gaze was still locked on the sky, but Eugene could hear and see that his thoughts were far away.

 

“Took what, what are you talking about?” Sidney asked, confused.

 

“Do ya remember what we all used to get on his ass for? No matter how many goddamn times anyone told him, he just couldn’t seem to do it?”

 

Sid was quiet in thought for a moment before he said, “Stay in formation, staying in line.”

 

Shelton gave a sharp nod in response, took a long drag from his cigarette and said, “When that stray bullet came outta nowhere and blew through his brain, Dannon was supposed to be bringing up the rear. He wasn’t supposed to be standin’ there. If he had been where he was supposed to be-”

 

“That bullet would have hit you.” Sid finished in a hushed voice.

 

“That bullet was mine, it was meant for me. But fuckin’ Dannon can’t-march-where-he’s-fuckin’-supposed-to took it from me. His stupid ass was standin’ in the wrong place.”

 

“Why did you want it?” Sidney half-yelled in response, taking a step closer to Shelton.

 

He sighed deeply in return. “Vordan may be a dumb-fuck, but he weren’t wrong about home. I got a letter from the Corps in Gloucester tellin’ me my daddy had tried to collect _Death_ _Gratuity_. When he found out he couldn’t collect because I wasn’t actually dead, he wrote me a letter too, wonderin’ what the hell was takin’ so long. It weren’t the last letter he sent askin’ that.”

 

Sidney said nothing, too shocked to form words. Just like the rest of them, they hoped Vordan was just talking shit, trying to rile Shelton up. When Eugene had seen the brief stricken look in Shelton’s eyes at the bar, he knew that hope was pointlessly in vain.

 

“I got rid of all my things before I shipped out. Not much to begin with so it didn’t take me long. I wasn’t plannin’ on ever makin’ it home. I didn’t make that a secret.”

 

Eugene had horrible memories of Shelton saying things like that. _Ain’t no one goin’ home_.

 

“I didn’t think-” Sidney said in a choked voice, “I thought you were just trying to scare the new boots.”

 

Shelton nodded in acknowledgement. “When that bullet hit Dannon... Dannon had a reason to go home, and he didn’t get to because he took my bullet.”

 

Sidney sounded unsure that he wanted to be asking, but continued anyways, “If you didn’t want to make it home, there were ways you could have made sure...” Eugene thought he actually felt the blood in his veins freeze at that.

 

Shelton looked affronted at the insinuation. “I ain’t no coward, Phillips.” He spat. “If a bullet comes for me, I’ll go with the reaper willingly, but I ain’t gonna walk in front o’ one on purpose. I especially ain’t gonna let them Japs have it that easy, they was gonna have to take my life fair, not have it given to ‘em free.”

 

Sidney nodded solemnly as Shelton turned away again and continued to smoke in the uncomfortable quiet.

 

Eugene saw the sudden change in Sidney’s posture as he stood tall and turned to Shelton with determination. “I’m glad that bullet didn’t hit you, Merriell. I’m sorry it hit Dannon, but I’m glad it wasn’t you.”

 

Hearing his given name used, Shelton turned his head very slowly and ran critical eyes over Sidney’s form as if looking for the hole his sanity was slowly leaking out from.

 

Sidney continued, “Eugene said that you saved him from a lot of things, himself being one. If that bullet had hit you, you wouldn’t have been around for him.” Merriell didn’t answer, but Eugene supposed that Sidney didn’t expect one after saying something like that. The silence dragged on for a few long minutes before Sidney tossed his cigarette on the ground and stubbed it out with the heel of his shoe. He turned towards the hotel door but paused.

 

“I’m still pissed as hell at you for leaving him like you did. I don’t know what you did to him today at the fitting, either. So here is what I have to say and I wont be repeating it; By the end of this trip you either fix this, or you walk away and you don’t look back. If you choose the second one, you sure as hell better say goodbye first.”

 

With his piece said, Sidney pulled the door open and disappeared inside, leaving Merriell standing in the shadow of the hotel alone until Jackson and Thompson arrived with armfuls of food and drinks that they unloaded with his help.  


	6. Texas x4

They were all spread out on the floor of Eugene’s hotel room, satisfied with their lunch and into their fourth game of poker. Merriell was quieter than usual, but no one wanted to let on that they had heard the conversation between he and Sid. When Eugene went to get ice, he dragged Sig along with him and let him know that he had overheard.

 

Sid began to apologize when Eugene pulled him in for a hug and said, “Thanks for having my back, Sid.” And just like that, they moved on, getting the ice and returning to the room.

 

“Explain to me what we should expect tonight?” Bill said as he threw a glare at Eugene for stealing a piece of his chicken.

 

Burgin watched with a smile as he answered, “It’s a party, before the wedding, with all of our friends and family from all over the place. Like a celebration. I don’t know, my mamma said it was important. I think she invited more of her friends than mine, to be honest. It’s at a large estate one of my father’s friends owns, absolutely beautiful. He’s lending it to us for the night. Dancing, drinking, food, all the good stuff. Just wear your Service Uniform for this one.”

 

So, a few hours later, they were all walking through the doors of a very large estate with acres of land and perfectly groomed grounds. It was high class and made even Eugene a little uncomfortable. When he threw a glance over at Merriell he could tell it was almost physically painful for the other man to be there. He looked around the large decorated rooms with barely concealed resentment.

 

They were introduced to Burgin’s parents, as well as many of their guests and friends before they were finally meeting Florence. She was beautiful, her hair curled and done up with a very nice purple dress and matching shoes. She looked lovely and they all told her so. She thanked them and learned each of their names, very excited that they all made it and grateful for the friendship they shared with her fiancé. Eugene found he liked her very much, especially seeing how enamored she and Burgin were with each other.

 

They promised to catch up more in depth at a later time and moved off to enjoy the party.

 

“Shelton was supposed to be getting us some drinks, where’d that boy get to?” Jackson asked, trying to peer over the crowd.

 

“He’s got some silly girls over there giggling and fawning over his dumb accent.” Leyden said with both disgust and jealousy as he walked over with a few drinks balanced in his arms.

 

“They think it’s positively adorable, the way he says New Orleans. _‘Nawrlens, honey’_. Gross.” He said, imitating Merriell’s drawl.

 

De ‘Leau and Burke laughed at his resentment as they took their drinks from his arms, Sidney following behind him with a few more drinks for himself, Thompson and Eugene.

 

Eugene tried to block it out by turning to Jackson and asking a little bit more about his wife back home. The other man was more than willing to go into detail about how wonderful his wife was and Eugene found it sweet. He was leaning against the wall still in conversation about his schooling when a young woman approached them. She was a little bit plain but still pretty, with light ivory skin and shoulder length chocolate brown hair and brown eyes. Her dress was a simple blue sundress that fit her form without being tight or revealing. All in all, she looked like a very nice girl that he was sure his mother used to picture him bringing home one day. 

 

“Hello,” She addressed them all, but then brought her attention to Eugene, “Would you mind a dance with me?”

 

Eugene cursed his southern manners as he found himself accepting with a tiny polite smile, even though he wanted to tell her no thank you and continue to be a wallflower. Instead, he took her hand and led her out on the dance floor with the dozens of other couples who were swaying to the light beat of the music. Even at Sid’s wedding, he had done is best to avoid any socializing like this. Giving it a little more thought he realized that he actually hasn’t danced since before the War.

 

“My name is Karen.” She said once they had gotten into the swaying steps.

 

“Nice to meet you, Karen,” He replied, “I’m Eugene.”

 

She craned her head to look back at the spot he left the other guys and said, “Y’all not from around here, are you?”

 

“I’m from Alabama. Those guys are from California, New York, Oklahoma, some of our other friends are from Missouri and New Orleans.”

 

“You met in the War, then? Since you’re all Marines?”

 

Eugene didn’t want to talk about the War with this girl, no matter how polite his mamma raised him, so he just gave a stiff nod. She seemed to take the hint and they fell quiet for a few moments, just listening to the music. Eugene felt on edge, his eyes skimming over the crowd as if he was looking for something. When his eyes fell on Merriell who was now across the room with Jackson and Thompson at the snack table, his nerves calmed down a bit.   

 

“Tell me about your girl.” She said suddenly.

 

“I’m sorry?” He replied, bringing his attention back to her.

 

“My parents have been begging me to dance and talk to someone all night long. There are a lot of pretty girls here tonight and you’re quite cute.” She flashed a sweet smile while he blushed. “You haven’t asked anyone to dance, but you obviously know how. You also seem to get a little bit lost in your thoughts. So, my guess is that some lucky lady already has your heart.”

 

He didn’t know what to say to that.

 

“I’ll take your silence to mean I was correct! Well, that’s a relief. Now my parents will leave me alone, and we both have someone to talk to without any expectations. We can just be new friends.”

 

She was correct, of course, that his heart belonged to someone else. Of course there was know way she would now that said person was a _him_ and that he was present tonight. However, he found himself feeling much lighter at her words. She was right, they could dance and talk and put on a show without him feeling like he was lying or leading her on. It was quite a nice idea.

 

He smiled and played along, asking, “What would you like to know?”

 

Seeing his relief and willingness to play his part, she continued with their dance and asked, “Where did you meet?”

 

“The War,” He answered simply.

 

“Oh, like R.V. and Florence? That’s lovely. Not the War, of course, but being able to still find beauty and love in a setting like that.”

 

He supposed that was true, though he hadn’t thought of it much. It hadn’t been beautiful, sweet, or romantic and it sure as hell hadn’t been easy in the Pacific. Even now, at home, it wasn’t much better. But he supposed that was partly due to the individual that he had given his heart up to, though. Florence was a beautiful and sweet girl, so he imagined that holding on to that image of her had helped Burgie remember the beauty outside of the War. She was an image that he could cling to, easy to love in its innocence and the promise of life after the War.

 

How then had he fallen for someone in the middle of that hell? Merriell wasn’t an image of innocence or purity, in fact, Eugene was sure that the thought of him knowing anyone had used those words in the same sentence with his name would result in bloodshed. Eugene had seen the very worst of Merriell. The lowest a human being could sink while still being technically human, and Eugene loved him anyways. He felt warmth at the thought. That they knew the darkest parts of each others souls, and still, Eugene loved him. In Eugene’s daydreams where they were together, they never had to hide anything from each other and they would never have to explain the hell they went through because they were there together. Merriell wasn’t a picture or a nice idea, he wasn’t a crutch to get him out of the War and he wasn’t an anchor holding him in the War either. He found that he quite liked knowing that his love was deeper than anything he could imagine happening between them. 

 

“Is she a soft sweet thing?” She asked with a playful smile. He couldn’t hold back the large amused smile that overcame him hearing that and picturing Merriell.

 

“No,” He laughed, “No, definitely not.”

 

She narrowed her eyes playfully and gave him a scrutinizing once over before she said, “Hmm… I guess that might make sense. Like candy, you know? You look sweet enough to give someone cavities, it would make sense you’d be looking for something sour.”

 

Her smile was back as he found himself genuinely having a nice time dancing and speaking to her. She didn’t know Merriell at all, so talking about it was fun for him.

 

“I suppose so. I’m not really all that sweet though.” He insisted. From the look on her face he could tell she wasn’t buying it.

 

“Do you get butterflies when you see her?” She asked.

 

He thought about his answer. When he had seen Merriell for the first time in that tent on Peleliu his stomach had momentarily swooped, but the harsh reality of the situation, his fatigue, and the idea of finding Sid had put a damper on it pretty quick. He had gotten butterflies when Shelton had watched them scrub oil drums for the fun of it. He got butterflies each time he realized that Shelton was watching him from afar in those first days when he had been sure the other man had hated him. When Shelton asked for a cigarette and had given him his nickname, that’s when his butterflies had grown too intense to ignore.

 

“Ugh,” Karen said, her nose crickling with fake disgust, “You don’t even have to answer, I can tell by the lovesick look on your face!”

 

He ducked his head, feeling the blush heating up his face again.

 

“Are you two together? Wedding bells on the horizon?”

 

He knew his smile was a little bit bitter when he said, “I haven’t said anything yet. But, I don’t think I really need to, it’s pretty obvious.” He glanced over her shoulder and found his gaze locking with Merriells across the dance floor. He, Jackson, and Thompson had made their way back over to De ‘Leau and Leyden and they all stood together talking, though Merriell’s attention was on Eugene. When he saw Eugene look up, his gaze snapped back to Leyden for a moment before glancing back again. Eugene let his attention fall back to Karen.

 

“Does she not feel the same?” She asked, brown eyes now filled with concern. Eugene thought it was nice that this girl he didn’t know was so obviously engaged in his personal turmoil.

 

“I don’t actually know. I thought so, but I’m not so sure now. We’ve had opportunities, but they always seem to just…slip by. Wrong place, wrong time, that sort of thing.” He finished lamely.

 

“That’s a terrible excuse,” She said flippantly, “If you haven’t asked, you don’t actually know. I think you owe it to her and to yourself to know for sure.”

 

Eugene found himself mildly interested in who this girl was, acting like she knew so much about him and his life. Fortunately, her carefree attitude wasn’t grating on him as the opinions of so many other people’s had. Instead, he shrugged non-committedly and continued to spin her in the steps of the dance.

 

They continued to talk, moving the conversation away from his love life and instead asking each other about their education, finding that they had a common interest in biology, though his was the study of botany and ornithology and hers was herpetology.

 

They danced together for a few more songs until the end of the fourth song when she declared she needed a break and a drink. Feeling at ease with a friend and happy for the first time in a while, he led her to an empty seat and volunteered to fetch her a drink.

 

As he made his way to the drink table, Burgin fell into step next to him and put an arm around his shoulders.

 

“Hey, saw you dancin’! Having fun?” He inquired.

 

Eugene shrugged, “Yeah, she asked me. She said her name is Karen, she’s nice.”

 

Burgin nodded and replied, “I’ve known Karen’s family for ages. Her parents are friends with my parents. She’s real nice.” His voice dipped and he tilted his head as he looked at Eugene questioningly.

 

He rolled his eyes in response as he filled up a cup of lemonade. “I ain’t interested in your childhood friend, Burgie. If anyone knows that it should be you.” He muttered quietly. 

 

Burgin’s smile vanished instantly and he raised his hands in a peaceful gesture, “Sledge, I would never!” He lowered his voice and stepped closer, “You just looked really happy, like you were having a good time. I wasn’t the only one who noticed.” He said, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head towards were the guys had been. Jackson, Leyden, De ‘Leau, and Burke were all still there, but Merriell and Thompson were absent.

 

“Not that I was watching, cause I wasn’t, but Shelton disappeared lookin’ like a kicked puppy. Not that I would know, cause you know I’ve got much better things to do tonight than watch this drama unfold. Like dance with my soon to be wife!” He said with a wink.

 

Eugene shot him a dirty look before stepping around him and heading back to Karen with the drink. Just as he was wondering where Thompson was and if he had disappeared with Merriell, he saw Thompson on the dance floor with a girl. His shoulders released some of their tension. He was wary and honestly a little bit jealous of Thompson for how easily he seemed to get along with Merriell and their smoking together. He still wondered where Merriell had gotten off to.

 

As he got closer he saw that Karen was speaking to someone while she waited for him to return. The guest blocking his view finally moved as he was a few feet away and he saw that it was Shelton she was speaking to. He seemed a little bit distant, his overall body language not completely comfortable, but he had a polite look on his face as he seemed to be answering her questions.

 

Karen looked up as he approached and she took the drink from him gratefully.

 

“Eugene, thank you! I just met your friend, Shelton, here.” She said, gesturing at said man as she took a sip of the lemonade.

 

Eugene slid his hands in his pockets and regarded Merriell with a small grin. “Oh yeah? Is he bein’ polite?” He teased.

 

Shelton looked affronted for a moment before he caught the teasing light in Eugene’s eyes at the words.

 

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ ‘bout, Gene. I’m always polite.” He said with a fake sniff. 

 

Before Eugene could come up with a retort Merriell had turned back to Karen and given her a charming smile. “I’m glad to have met ya, Miss.” He extended his hand, taking hers and placing a daring kiss on her knuckles. “You watch out for Eugene, here, he looks harmless but its all just an act. The boy is a regular tiger.” He parted with a smile for Karen and threw a last wink at Eugene before sliding back through the crowd.

 

Eugene stuffed the fluttering of his stomach down and tried to stop the blush rising on his cheeks in reaction to that wink and Merriell’s voice calling him a tiger. He forced a smile on his face and turned back to Karen who watched Merriell go with an amused laugh.

 

“Oh now I see why Charlotte Hayes was gushing about the Marine from New Orleans earlier. He’s a sly one. I hope for his sake he finds a way to dodge her.” She laughed.

 

They spent another half and hour or so talking, eventually including De ‘Leau and the others in their conversation. After a while, Eugene felt the need for isolation creeping back in. When he could no longer hold out, he excused himself with the alibi of needed to smoke and ducked out one of the doors near the back.

 

He stepped outside into the cooling night air and breathed deeply for a moment, the sounds of the party fading away as the door closed behind him. Stepping further out onto the deserted patio he walked to the edge and leaned his elbows on the stone wall overlooking the sprawling grounds of the large estate. As he breathed and appreciated the quiet, he saw movement down on the grass near the small stream that ran through the garden. Squinting in the darkness it only took him a few moments to recognize the lithe form, bent head, slightly hunched shoulders, red glow of a cigarette.

 

Eugene froze, unsure if he should listen to the voice telling him to use the stairs off the side of the balcony and join the other man. It could potentially be disastrous, just like all of their other interactions this trip had been. Sighing, his feet made the decision for him and he found himself down the stone steps and padding across the soft green grass towards the lonely figure illuminated only by the light of the balcony lights and the moon. As he got closer, he saw that Merriell had removed his socks and shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his uniform pants and was standing in the shallow water on the bank of the small stream.

 

He knew better than to sneak up on a Marine, peacetime or not, and he let his feet fall a little heavier than normal to alert the other man to his presence.

 

Hearing the footsteps, Merriell turned and looked over his shoulder, bringing his cigarette to his mouth. His face betrayed only momentary surprise before his lazy grin replaced it as he watched Eugene walk closer. As soon as he was close enough, Merriell held his cigarette out to Eugene, still on the bank, as an offer. Their fingers brushed lightly as Eugene took the offered stick and brought it up to his mouth, inhaling a small puff as Merriell turned his gaze back to the stream he was standing in. 

 

“Now I know that ain’t no good-mannered Alabama boy I see sneakin’ out the back door tryin’a leave a party early?” He drawled, but kept his voice low in the quiet of the night. 

 

“Just-” His voice caught and he cleared his throat and tried again, “Just needed a smoke.”

 

“So you thought you’d bum one offa me, huh?” He joked, his eyes dancing in the darkness.

 

“Well if there is anything in this world I know, its that Merriell Shelton always has a pack of smokes on him.” He replied. Merriell nodded and shrugged in acceptance of that fact.

 

After a few beats of silence Eugene asked, “How cold is that water?”

 

Merriell shrugged again, “It ain’t bad. Refreshing.”

 

Eugene nodded and made a quick decision, toeing off his own uniform shoes and kicking them next to Merriell’s own abandoned pair on the grass. He leaned over and pulled off his socks next, almost falling over when he lost his balance. A cool steadying hand griped his bicep before he could fall, though, and Eugene looked up into Merriell’s amused eyes.

 

“Whatchu doin’ Sledge?” He asked.

 

“Gettin’ in the water, dummy, whats it look like I’m doin’?” Eugene replied as he threw his socks over by his shoes and rolled up his pant legs.

 

Stepping into the clear water, he was unprepared for the cold temperature when it hit his feet and he let out a gasp in surprise. Next to him, Merriell threw his head back and laughed.

 

“What’s the mattah, Sledge? Got too used to your warm baths and fluffy towels back home? I’d say you gone soft.”

 

Eugene huffed in response as Merriell continued to chuckle and turned his back to him. The chuckle soon turned to a shocked yelp as cold water hit his back. He whipped around and narrowed his eyes at Eugene, who tilted his head innocently while shaking the water off his wet hand.

 

“Who’s the soft one now?” Eugene taunted.

 

Merriell’s mischevious eyes flashed in the moonlight and his body language shifted. He took a step closer to Eugene, his eyes narrowed, assessing, and his movements calculated and cat-like.

 

“You just made a big mistake, Eugene.” He warned, his voice low.

 

Eugene felt a shiver go down his spine but refused to drop his taunting smirk and just raised his chin in defiance. 

 

“What are you gonna do about it, Merriell?” He taunted.

 

The splash of icy water hit him square in the face. He spluttered for a moment before laughing and bending over to send a wave of his own in Merriell’s direction. In an instant, water was flying everywhere and neither of them could see the other, blindly splashing back and forth in what they hoped was the direction of the other. Eugene couldn’t contain his laughter and he let it spill freely from his heart as water cascaded down on him. He was thoroughly soaked and laughing so hard he could barely breathe when he heard Merriell call, “Yield, Sledge. I might show some mercy!”

 

He shook the water from his eyes and looked up to see a similarly soaked Merriell with water dripping from his curls down his face. They were both bent over with their hands on their knees, breathing hard from the exertion.

 

“Mercy? From you? Oh, you have gone soft!” He jeered as he shook his head again to clear the drips.

 

Merriell was on him in an instant, grabbing him and holding him in a headlock under his arm. Slowly, he began to lower Eugene’s head towards the water as he scrambled and tried to free himself. Above him, Merriell bent his mouth to his ear and grunted, “Say please Eugene!” 

 

Eugene struggled harder, trying to twist his body as his face got closer and closer to the surface of the running water.

 

“You can end this, Eugene, ya just gotta say please!”

 

Eugene’s efforts were futile. Merriell had the drop on him and his grip was like iron. He would be damned if he gave in to Merriell’s demands though, so instead he took a deep breath as his head was plunged into the cold water. He was held under the surface for only a few brief seconds before he was hauled back up, stumbling backwards as Merriell released him from the headlock. Eugene stumbled on the rocks in the riverbed and with water running down his face and trying to breathe, his feet caught on a rock. He stumbled only for a moment before he was caught and pressed up against Merriell, who had hold around his shoulders to steady him. His hands found Merriell’s hips as he let himself be steadied.

 

Eugene chuckled and opened his eyes, water still dripping down his profile and found his face only inches away from Merriell’s own still laughing face. Once the reality of the moment settled in and they both began to calm down, Eugene felt the atmosphere shift.

 

“Ya couldda jus’ surrendered.” Merriell whispered, his warm breath puffing against Eugene’s lips.

 

“And give you the satisfaction?” He replied, voice hushed, “Not a chance.”

 

Merriell’s lips twitched, “Same old Eugene.” His large eyes skirted across Eugene’s face, as if drinking him in.

 

They were oblivious to everything else around them, still soaking wet and standing in the middle of the stream, leaning into each other. Eugene tightened his grip on Merriell’s hips and the other man bit his bottom lip in response. Merriell’s gaze dropped to Eugene’s mouth for a moment and Eugene fought the urge to lean forward and claim his lips in a kiss. He wanted one so badly, but he didn’t want to push something in case it wasn’t what Merriell wanted.

 

In a sudden epiphany, Eugene licked his lips and watched Merriell’s hungry eyes track the action before he whispered, “Mer… please?”

 

Merriell’s gaze snapped back to his at that and Eugene saw the raw want reflected in them before he felt a hand come up to brush the wet hair off of his forehead.

 

“Say it again.” Merriell whispered, his lips only a breath away from Eugene’s.

 

Eugene stared steadily back and repeated, “Please.”

 

The kiss was surprisingly gentle, even hesitant, but it nearly made Eugene melt. He had waited so long and pictured it so many times, but even this innocent press of soft lips against his own was better than anything he could have imagined. He felt his heart swell and warmth trickle down to the tips of his toes that were still in the cool water. It was their first kiss but it felt so achingly familiar, so much like home, Eugene could hardly believe it. It confirmed every feeling he had for the other man. He loved him so much it threatened to overwhelm him.

 

Eugene’s left hand released Merriell’s hips and worked its way up to his tie, fisting the material and using it to pull Merriell closer to him. Merriell responded by making a small noise in his throat and sliding his lips over Eugene’s with more pressure. Eugene had only just parted his lips and felt the tip of Merriell’s tongue when the door to the balcony was slammed shut with enough force to startle them apart.

 

Their chests heaving, they both looked up the balcony, but saw no one. Eugene felt fear grip his heart. What if someone had seen and went back inside to tell others? What if they had gotten caught?

 

He glanced back to Merriell to find the other man already looking at him, regarding him with a shuttered expression that Eugene recognized as his protective wall. He realized what jumping back and the look on his face might have said; regret. He shook his head and was about to open his mouth when Merriell turned and climbed out of the stream, stepping on the grass and bending over to pick up his shoes and socks.

 

“Where are you going?” Eugene called, afraid now.

 

Merriell turned around but didn’t meet his gaze.

 

“That pretty girl gon’ be real disappointed if you sneak outta here without even givin’ her your mail address.” He said with a pained smile.

 

Eugene couldn’t believe what he was hearing. They had just kissed, and Merriell was not only running away, he was tring to throw some girl in his face as he did? How dare he? Maybe he didn’t like the kiss, maybe it wasn’t earth shattering for him like it was for Eugene. He felt anger and humiliation mix together, getting his emotions riled up in the way that only Merriell could.

 

He scoffed as Merriell turned away and said, “Yeah, that shit hurts. But I’m sure she’d get over it… eventually, right? I’d just need to duck out of her life for a while and then show back up again acting like nothing ever happened.” Great, he snapped again. God, he just couldn’t hold it together, could he? And yet, Merriell deserved it.

 

Looking up from his place still in the stream, he faced the other man, whose face had lost all trace of attempts at humor. The color had drained from his cheeks and he stood in front of Eugene looking absolutely stricken. He stood there for only a few heartbeats before he gave a small quirk of his lips, so obviously forced, and said, “Stop pushing it Eugene, you ain’t gonna like the outcome.” He hard words not matching the nearly pleading tone he said them in. He turned then and started walking across the grass towards the house.

 

“Try me, _Merriell_.” He spat back, knowing it might be the wrong thing to say and not giving two shits because he was so sick of feeling cut up inside every time he even thought of Merriell Shelton.

 

He knew that Merriell had heard him, but the other man didn’t stop, his shoulders slumped and his head bent forward as he walked away, taking Eugene’s anger with him.

 


End file.
